Trouble sleeping

The past two nights have been particularly draining, more so last night. Probably as with everything, it will take time to heal. I am struggling with sleeping, I can’t find the most suitable position to sleep in. I am awake half the night trying to sleep. There is pain even in my dreams which much reflects the turmoil that already exists in my life.

I dreamt about sweeping today, I find it intriguing that most of the dreams circle around the body or the home. I wonder sometimes; as I try to piece together what the week’s dreams has brought with them, what the full message is. It is clear from most of them that I am going through changes and most of them reveal a clearing of the mind but to what awakening?

Should I be worried about it? I can’t help but to want the answers now. Everything seems so urgent with me lately. It has to be done now, the decision has to be made now and the pain must go away now! Now! Now! Now! Sadly life doesn’t take a break to accommodate the musings and ephemeral tantrums of one depressed. Suck it up!

I look around me and all I feel is despair and not only for myself, everyone’s life is hanging in the balance and to me. How does one sustainably take care of themselves when everything looks so bleak? Or maybe I feel that way and everyone else is fine? Interpretation of the dream said I need to have a fresh attitude towards life and I am trying! I am really trying to take care of myself, which isn’t what I would have said weeks ago. Or maybe this measuring is the problem, it ends with me frustrated about how I am going about this whole ‘taking care of myself’ business and anyway what does ‘care’ really mean?

Though, tangible progress has been made. I went for physiotherapy yesterday. After; elated that I hadn’t tried to go to work, I made my way home from the session in extreme pain. I wondered how long it would take to get me back in top shape and fun and active again. Maybe I should join a gym, I contemplated but that was quickly brushed aside with thoughts of how unsustainable that would be but also thoughts of alternative exercising were clouded or rather drowned in water filled potholes, which would be equally as bad for my back. Crossing my fingers that these sessions will much assist in alleviating the pain that keeps me awake most nights.

Almost at the end of a book that I started reading in August last year! Such an improvement as I only started the continuation on Monday. Some of the books that I started reading years ago could actually be classified as am ‘about to start’, hardly remembering where I currently am or the content in the books, vaguely if at all. However, I am sad that I am finishing it. I think the sadness in the book and seemingly unjust scenarios that are now being resuscitated by thoughtless power bearers gives some sort of comfort that we are never alone when things change, unfortunately some suffer more than others but we get by nonetheless. It also makes me realise how lucky I am and honestly I fare better than most people and that is something I am not grateful enough for.

Things could truly be a lot worse but they aren’t and I should be more grateful for all that I have been awarded by the universe.


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