So I seem to be having these introspection and questioning moments lately. Am trying to figure out if these feels and experiences are due to the imminent ’30’. I find myself realising my unhappiness. Unhappiness with the situation I think I landed myself in or the situation I am’finding’ myself in. I have the nagging feeling that I have wasted so much time being unproductive because I am consumed by things I have to unlearn.
As it goes, most of my epiphanies happen during bath time, this one was no exception. I am turning 30 this year and seem to be going through adolescence. Hilarious! I know. I can’t really wrap my head around it but it weirdly makes sense, the truth is stranger than fiction they say. And it also seems the only way I can be normal and my age is when I write otherwise in relation I make no sense at all (that’s also because at a time, I have several thoughts running through my head that end up jumbled together in a sentence and explaining my way out of it is usually further confusing to the recipient). Anyway, so it seems I am in fact going through adolescence.
At the time that most of my mates were going through this phase, coupled with my guardian’s mistakes and my own mistakes, I was thinking about my next meal/ clothes/ money/ running away/ a life that I didn’t know would not be.
I was fighting to be heard and understood. The only person that had ever taken that time was gone, forever and I was fighting with those that were left to give me an ear and not judge me based on someone else’s love. I was hoping to be shown some kind of love and understanding, though different from what I had been receiving, I wanted it nonetheless. Alas, it never came or it did with conditions and at that time I didn’t quite realise it. Tuku said it best when he said “mwana wamambo, muranda kumwe”. The unfortunate part being we hadn’t left, the castle was still the same but only the queen had changed.
I felt like I was being punished for being her daughter, for having things that other people hadn’t managed to get. I assumed that the other was equally as good as the maker but I was quickly reminded that I was not hers as she was not mine. Words such as and I quote, “unofunga kuti zvichave zvako kana vaenda?” played each and every time something happened. As if they had been waiting to inherit.
This all led to trials (dare) and trials of what a bad child I was. Accusations of bringing men to the house, staying out late and just being the overall problem child. No one cared to listen who was right or wrong, what my reasons were, if I had any or if it all was even true or just a figment of someone’s imagination because they wanted me gone.
And gone is exactly what they achieved. By the time I was 17yrs, I was shipped off to live with a man and his family who clearly didn’t know what to do with me but really had no option. He wanted to rent me a room initially and then realised he couldn’t sustain it so moving me into their home was best. There I was met with more accusations and insults because of my mother’s choices. I am not my mother! I don’t know why she made the choices she made and frankly just like you, I would’ve liked to know those reasons too but I didn’t get the chance. Either way, I am happy she had me and she showed me all the care a single person could even though I didn’t realise what it was worth then.
So I realise today that am trapped between responsibilities and enjoying the things that I couldn’t afford to then but I can now. Sometimes I just want to be reckless and do things in the spare of the moment. I didn’t fathom that it would translate into a problem in this responsibility state. Because I spent all the happy years worrying, all I do is worry now.
I can’t enjoy myself without feeling guilty about it, I can’t spend without feeling guilty about it even though am always willing to spend on people that I love, when it comes to myself it’s not even a second option, its 5th or last, when there is no other option. Every twist and turn has an excuse to it and a potential financial problem too.
I need to love myself, it’s cliché but flaws and all. It’s not anyone’s fault, I need to be happy with me and the choices I make instead of valuing myself through another being/ other beings. Needing to unlearn and discard all the messaging from before and currently. To be able to let the rain pass without catching a cold.
Maybe then I will find the balance between the responsible and happy me. But for now…